Bad Apple: An 80′s rock homage

Here’s a tune I did for one of my brother’s sketch comedies years ago. It’s called “Bad Apple” and in the video you can see him lip-synching to my voice in his hilariously effeminate “Rocker Jimmy Samson” outfit.

The song:

The video, “Morning Radio Mysteries 3″, by Blame Society Productions:

Improved Saying: Then you marry one

It’s easy to improve sayings. Here, let me show you how. Take two awesome sayings, say “Shit happens, then you die” and “Life’s a bitch, then you marry one.” Zing! Both just obviously hilarious, profound utterances. So we’re working with unbeatable raw materials, right? Then just switch’em! Now we have TWO new sayings!

1. Life’s a bitch, then you die.

Okay, that one sucks, ditch it. But check out number two!

2. Shit happens and then you marry one.

Okay, that sucked too. Damn. This was so funny in college. Why was it so funny?! What’s happening!? And I weigh 20 pounds more than I did then, too! I guess we go back to the original no. 1 saying–shit happens, then you die. Actually that’s pretty good already. I bet Nietzsche would appreciate that as a summation for the entirety of human existence.

Thank you! Good night!

shithappensthenyoudie

Announcing: Bacteria Pops!!

Hola, amigos. I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got a lot on my plate these days. As in, bought a house, started a baby, visited Duluth, and on and on. That’s kind of a lot!

And as always it’s been a struggle for me to figure out what to do with this here blog, especially when I don’t have time to be making new music for you. Cuz I was sort of seeing myself as a musician, so I need songs, right? No, because I was re-reading a journal I wrote in January and there was this big epiphany about how this site could just be all kinds of bullshit I feel like doing with no limitations but I swear, I must have been in a mocha-induced haze when I wrote it because I never followed up on that brilliant idea!

Here’s what I mean: I haven’t had time to produce new finished songs to post here, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t come up with 80 awesome ideas, 27 uber-creative doodles, and 7 hilarious writings during that time! I don’t just stop being creative when I’m busy, it just changes up. So why not share it?

For example, I recently invented Bacteria Pops, the world’s first and tastiest way to supplement your waning gut bacteria in these over-sanitized times! Are you addicted to Purell? Then you need to try Bacteria Pops! Flavors include Doorknob Punch, Dollar Bill Blueberry, Waiting Room Watermelon, and for those who really want some kick, Sump Pump Spicy Apple! It’s like eating pie from your own Grandma’s kitchen!

Stay tuned for more bullshit forthcoming at an unstoppable speed!

The 3 o’clock song

So I occasionally do some freelance photography over there at shopbop.com and after I created the infamous “Lunchtime” song people kept having ideas/requests for songs. So I was happy to oblige with “The 3 o’clock song”. I decided to recruit several ladies from the shopbop studio to assist, and they performed amazingly, given that we did it in a single take with no possibility of retakes!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Rachel, Elise, Claire, and Jess!

My Favorite Asshole

Another FAWM song, one of my faves from the month. It was opposite day, so the happy lyrics have sad chords and vice versa. Ha ha!

My Favorite Asshole

Everything’s good, everything’s happy
Everything’s good, good as it can be
Everything’s fine, everything’s dandy
Everything’s cool, cool as it can be

There was a time
When I was unhappy
All I did was get high
I simply got by

There was a time
When I didn’t know you
I shoulda just died
Before you entered my life

You’re my favorite a**hole
You’re my favorite ass hat
You’re my favorite jackass
You’re my favorite a**hole

You’re my favorite a**hole
You’re my favorite numb nut
You’re my favorite dill weed
You’re my favorite a**hole

My Demons (inception)

Here’s a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

Everybody has demons!

My Demons

My demons follow me wherever I go
Like vulcanology or dark mistletoe
It feels like I have a dark little friend
No matter how I play he wins in the end

If I’m in heaven do they get to come to?
Will I still struggle with the things that I do?
The things that haunt me all the things that I hate
I hope St. Peter makes them stay at the gate!